8.1.08

Ma soirée au bar gay de Bergerac, le 19... Après des mois de dérive et de déprime, me revoila...MON WEEK-END

Pour la première fois depuis 11ans, je viens de passer un week-end à 1km de la maison de l'enfer. Nous étions avec Mère et mon petit frère Jocelyn chez Béatrice et Jean-Luc les plus chères amis de Maman à Maurens. J’ai passé un super week-end… C’est peut être banale, mais pour moi cela est énorme car je n’ai pas été angoissé. Ce sont des gens qui comptent beaucoup pour moi, mais jusque là je n’avais pu trouver la force de le faire. J’ai vu 2 de leurs 4 enfants, Cindy(et son conjoint Nico) et Florian. Ces derniers, même si je les côtoie peu sont vraiment importants pour moi. Le plus surprenant pour moi a été de voir le Ch’ti monstre, Florian. Quand je pense que la première fois que je l’ai vu il était dans un berceau… Maintenant c’est un adulte de 21ans, un bogosse plein de vie. Cela m’a touché!
Cindy attend un bébé, un petit Erwan(très bon goût)et avec Nico ils vont se faire construire une maison… Florian travaille comme DJ et vit encore chez ses parents. Je crois avoir compris que lui aussi est heureux en amour… Cela me fait tellement de bien de les voir ainsi… La seule chose qui m’a rendu triste c’est de voir Béatrice peiné car ses deux aînés sont fâchés. J’espère que cela va s’arranger.
Pour en revenir à moi, je crois que j’ai fait un grand pas en avant. Par contre le retour fut très dur dans le sens où la vie a repris le dessus et tous mes mauvais souvenirs sont revenus se mélanger aux bons que je me suis remémoré durant le week-end.
Mon géniteur a réussi à détruire une partie de ma vie.
A l’âge de 31ans, fin 1996, j’ai fuit la Dordogne pour diverses raisons. Le 14 février 1995 j’ai perdu l’amour de ma vie Patrice mon amour anglais : il s’est pendu! Je n’avais su voir son désespoir et j’ai longtemps culpabilisé… Suite à son geste, je suis tombé dans une profonde et longue dépression. La énième depuis l‘âge de huit ans, mais la plus cruelle et morbide.
Depuis que j’étais enfant mon géniteur me couvrait de cadeau pour acheter mon silence car il me mettait dans la confidence de ses nombreuses maîtresses. Ceci était lourd à porter, surtout lorsque l’on aime sa mère et que l’on se tait pour soit disant la protéger. Je n’ai pu lui avouer qu’il y a peu de temps.
Après le décès de Patrice, il n’a pas supporté que je sombre ainsi, moi le bon à rien comme il me disait si souvent, et il s’est acharné sur moi par des moyens horribles et cruels, le mensonge et la manipulation était sa tasse de thé comme on dit. Il a cherché et y est presque arrivé, à ce que je fuis ma mère, car comme il disait : c’est une femme dangereuse. Tu parles le danger c’est lui, encore aujourd’hui…
A cette époque, tous mes amis d’enfance m’ont aussi laissé tomber, ils ne supportaient pas de me voir malade, dépressif. L’un m’a même dit ce que j’entendais depuis tout petit : « tu es un bon à rien et tu ne feras rien de ta vie car tu es une loque ». Personne n’a cherché à me questionner, à comprendre, au contraire… Comme j’avais toujours montré l’apparence d’un garçon heureux et fort, je n’avais pas le droit d’être dans le désespoir…
Donc, même si cela me faisait mal, j’ai laissé Mère et mes deux petits frères, et je suis parti m’installer à Bordeaux. Comme j’avais besoin d’aide matérielle, j’ai fait croire à mon géniteur que je voulais fuir ma mère. Pour la première fois je le manipulais à mon tour. Non je n’en suis pas fière, car jamais je n’ai voulu lui ressembler. J’ai atterri dans une ville où je ne connaissais personne, seule, je n’existais déjà presque plus pour mes amis de Dordogne. J’ai passé de nombreuses nuits à pleurer. Je sortais de quatre mois de clinique psy et j’étais suivi par un psychiatre… Je gardais une lueur d’espoir. Mais c’est comme si on m’avait volé 31ans de ma vie. Heureusement Mère, Jocelyn et Marc m’ont rejoint fin 1997, lorsque Mère a demandé le divorce. Enfin pour mon petit ange cela fût compliqué car il n’était pas majeur. Ce gros pervers lui a fait subir beaucoup de choses jusqu’à ses dix-huit ans et a essayé de le détruire : jamais je ne lui pardonnerai…
Seulement aujourd’hui nous arrivons à oublier et mettre de côté une certaine partie de notre vie. Mais chacun à notre manière, une part de nous même est détruite à jamais… C’est la vie, notre vie! Nous avons rencontré de nouvelles personnes, des amis, mais rien ne sera plus comme avant, la méfiance s’est instaurée malgré nous… Il n’y a qu’en Béatrice et Jean-Luc que nous avons une totale confiance. A ce propos, j’en profite pour dire un grand merci à Béa, car sans elle et son amitié juste et sincère, Maman ne serait certainement plus de ce monde. Ma maman…
Bon sinon durant mon week-end, j’ai revu 2 bons copains que je n’avais vu depuis 7ans, cela m’a fait du bien et plaisir. Comme quoi, parfois il vaut mieux avoir de bons copains que des amis soit disant intimes, eux au moins ils ne vous jugent pas… Je suis passé voir Flo sur son lieu de travail, un bar de nuit assez sympa. J’aurais bien passé un plus long moment avec lui mais j’avais la crainte de le gêner. Je suis allé dans le seul bar gay de Bergerac(très sympa les patrons) avec mes 2 potes et ensuite au Windsor la discothèque de ma jeunesse, ;-) . Mais bon même si les locaux ont évolué, cela reste l’usine à fric que j’avais connu… C’était sympa quand même…
Ce week-end, malgré mes larmes de dimanche soir, m’a vraiment fait du bien, et je me sens prêt à affronter de nouveau la ville de ce salaud, je me sens légèrement au dessus de tout ça, j’ai fait un pas en avant… Je suis fière!

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